Discovering Self-Care: Learning to Put Yourself First

When I first started doing things for myself, it felt selfish and weird. I wouldn’t think twice about buying someone else a gift card or encouraging them to take time for themselves, but I didn’t even know what I liked. I remember the first time my sponsor told the group that she knew everything about her ex-husband—how he took his coffee, his favorite color, how he liked his eggs cooked—but she didn’t know any of these things about herself.

Briefly, I panicked. I always drank my coffee black, my favorite color was green, but my mind raced as all I could think about was how I always ate the eggs that were cooked too long in the skillet, or had cracked and were not sunny side up like my husband liked. I had been eating the leftovers for years and realized it wasn’t just the eggs that I had settled for; there was a whole lot more.

That realization was a turning point for me. I decided to stop trying to fix people into what I thought they needed to become. Instead, I would focus more on myself and nurture the relationship with the most important person in my life: myself.

At first I was just checking things off a list. It felt frivolous to purchase a designer handbag, new clothes and shoes, but I did it anyway. But I also thought about things that I had always wanted to do but never had the courage to follow through. I learned how to dance, I went sky diving, I took a Spanish class, I scheduled regular massages and hair appointments and I got my nails done. The point is, I tried a lot of things until it became clear what I enjoyed and what I could live without.

I did things that didn't require any money like actually taking my lunch break at work and started walking. I stopped going to work when I was ill and began to ask for alone time for journaling, reflecting and recharging. I also limited or avoided time with people who drained me. I started minding my own business and let others make mistakes. I learned that helping others when not asked was enabling and controlling.

Additionally, I invested in a personal trainer and coach to help me reach the next level of my fitness. I competed in body building competitions, something that I had always wanted to do and was proudly able to walk across that stage.

These small acts of self-care have made a significant difference in my well-being.

Tips for Discovering and Prioritizing Self-Care:

1. Reflect on Your Preferences: Take some time to think about what you truly enjoy. It might be as simple as how you like your coffee or as specific as your favorite type of exercise. Knowing your preferences is the first step towards self-care.

2. Schedule Regular Self-Care Activities: Just like you would schedule an important meeting, make time for activities that make you feel good. Whether it’s a massage, a manicure, a walk during lunch, or a quiet hour with a good book, seeing a therapist, prioritizing these moments can boost your well-being.

3. Set Boundaries: It’s important to set boundaries to protect your time and energy. Learn to say no when necessary and prioritize your needs without guilt.

4. Listen to Your Body: Don’t go to work when you’re ill. It’s crucial to give your body the rest it needs to recover and you don't want to get others sick either.

5. Ask for Alone Time: Don’t be afraid to ask for alone time to journal and reflect. This can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and emotional well-being.

6. Limit Negative Influences: Spend less time with people who don’t lift you up and focus on building relationships with those who support and encourage you.

7. Mind Your Own Business: Allow others to make mistakes and only offer help when asked. This helps maintain healthy boundaries and reduces unnecessary stress.

8. Invest in Your Growth: Consider investing in a personal trainer or coach to help you achieve your fitness and personal goals. This can provide structure, motivation, and expert guidance.

9. Explore New Interests: Don’t be afraid to try new things. Take a class, pick up a new hobby, or explore activities you’ve always been curious about. Discovering new interests can be incredibly fulfilling.

10. Celebrate Small Wins: Recognize and celebrate the small steps you take towards self-care. Each positive action you take is a win and deserves acknowledgment.